I can't wait for today to end.
Today is a shithole.

Working here is a shithole.
I feel so sorry for myself every single day for working here, with that pitiful amount of salary.

I was promised an increase after the first month, which was the trial month - didn't happen.
I stayed, because the boss then said he will have a new IT project where he will put me in charge - didn't happen.
I was told I didn't have to work on Saturdays - didn't happen; I was maligned to be causing unfairness in the company because my colleagues are all going back on Saturday.
He figured that he wanted to start selling on Amazon as well. I figured out Amazon all on my own, but did he appreciate it? - he didn't; he even gave the project away/canceled the project.
He told me that he will pass LH's stuff for me to take over. Which he actually did, but only after 1 month. Plus, the only thing he's asking me to do currently, it's bullshit - just remind someone to give the daily sales. LOL?
I started work early, supposed to leave early, but no, I stayed back and did overtime (which, FYfuckingI, is not paid) because you told me you wanted to pass LH's stuff but it was actually nothing. Did you appreciate? - No fucking way. Instead, you accused me of leaving early.

You harp on my early dismissal, but do you even make that little effort to walk 5 steps to the clocking machine to see the time I came in? - No.

Okay, anyway.
So much talk, but a pittance of effort - don't use "busy" as an excuse. You have time for all your trips and whatnot.

Yes, I shouldn't have held my tongue back.
I should have been more vocal. But time and time again, you raised the expectations, and I was waiting for something to happen because this work I took it up, not for the salary (obviously. it's fucking little, trust me) but for the experience. I wanted to learn how you built it up into a big company. I wanted to help bring your company to the next level - using ACTUAL softwares, instead of using v-lookup on multiple excel spreadsheets. Yes, I am scheming because thereafter, I will tender my resignation and help bring M to the next level and to even higher grounds.
You may think of yourself as the lab rat; but if you know me, I don't give up halfway. I either do it the best that I can, or I not do it at all. I wouldn't leave your company dangling if we're in the midst of a huge change. That's me for you.

But since time and time again, you can just make baseless accusations and assumptions, I believe, there's no point in me staying on anymore. Since all your words are nothing but empty words, and since you don't appreciate the effort I'm putting in, fine.
I will place my effort elsewhere, where people know how to.


I know working is shit. Shit happens. I get it.
My very first issue was with a colleague. She was initially really nice, until I was placed to do more administrative work, that's when she started hating on me or something because I "took her 'supposed' seat". Or maybe I'm just oversenstitive. But she started ignoring me, pretend I didn't even existed (even when I spoke to her) and even in front of everyone else.

It seems like a small matter, right? No. To me, it was so crazy bad that everyday, I would feel like I did something so gravely wrong to have deserve such treatment. I wanted to quit so bad every single day but it was because of the other colleague, A, who made me feel so welcomed at work that I decided to grit my teeth and stay on.

But, it's rainbows and sunshine now. I'm all for that smile and bribery now; worked like a charm. At least we're on talking terms. Like work-talk, not small talk.
But okay, I'm cooled off already.
I'm the kind of in-the-moment kind of person, I have to get the resignation letter typed out, else I won't be able to do it when I'm cooled off.



-------------------

Sigh. Okay.

I used to be such a vocal person, no more. I miss that me, the me that who had the guts to say it out loud.
Everything I do, I do it with a reason, with a conscience; but very often get misunderstood and most of the time, I don't bother explaining.

X said X was mad because while X was going through the shittiest phrase of time, I wasn't there - I was out partying. I can't agree more. But what X didn't know was how shattered I was deep inside. How much I wanted to be there too, to be right there, be X's pillar, be X's comfort, X's everything.. So much so that alcohol barely kept me rooted.
I'm human, I feel too. But well, X saying that out loud hurt even more than I had expected. To think after 3 years, you still do not know me.

Up till today, I always thought that you know me best, but, I guess not. 

What nobody knows, were the countless time where I couldn't show I was upset, I had to swallow my own tears.
What nobody knows, were the numerous times where I drank so much, I puked and cried silently in the cubicle but had to stop, wipe them away with that rough a piece of toilet paper, step out and be happy.
What nobody knows, were the number of times alcohol broke my strongest defense, I had to pluck every strand of strength in me to walk away, and silently break down into tears in a corner of the club where no one else could see. The only time someone saw, was when I passed S, and he stopped me, and I broke down. S must have thought I was berserk. He only saw me as a insane, bubbly, chirpy girl.
What nobody knows, is that the person who's typing this, still feels the sorrows, still feels the pain, still feels the guilt.

Silence, is my best and worst defense.